Day 1

It started out like any other day: I woke up at 7:45 AM, went to classes, played some osu, retrieved my body pillow from the local inn, and sat down to play “League of Legends”. Let me tell you, it is one of the most stressful games I have ever played in my entire life. Imagine taking the SATs again, but instead of your future depending on it, your life depends on it. You are bleeding out because some wise ass behind you decided to play darts with his pack of bic pens using your neck as a target. Also, you’re naked. And your mother is watching. Okay. It isn’t that bad.

So you’re probably asking: why do I even bother to play this game?

Well, for one it’s popular. But that’s the bullshit answer. I know you want to know “how is it fun for you”. Oh. I just like killing things. Also it’s a mental challenge; it’s like trying to get a good score on the MCAT.

Since today is day one, I played 4 bot games on beginner. I’m always popstar Ahri (I think she’s pretty). I’d say today’s motto is “it’s something” … because while I still have no idea what I’m doing, I still managed to accomplish a few things (although I died often).

Things I learned:

-When you first get in game, you can get your “q” ability if you want it.

-You should wait for your minions to hurt the enemy’s minions before hitting them to make money.

-You can buy things EVEN IF you’re not standing next to Teemo’s uncle.

-You can normally hit enemies without using up mana, and if their minions are still alive, they’ll make an effort to attack you so you can exchange some hits so that’s pretty cool I guess but I STILL CAN’T KILL ANYTHING.

-The easiest way for me to kill anything right now is wait for other people to go in my lane, and when they’re setting up to kill something, all I have to do is walk over and press “q” and walk away. (Note: I’m 99.99% sure that this probably pisses people off). [Emme the KS god]

-When the game is ending, and our team arrives at enemy base, you can walk around on the sides of the turrets, and they won’t really hurt you.

-Garen spins really funny.

-There is no such thing as a decent player. Either you suck, or you’re a smurf (I fall into the sucking category).

-I should worry if I see Shen Bot.

-I do not want to be introduced to Tibbers.

-I FINALLY KNOW HOW TO USE AN UNLOCKED CAMERA. WOW. That’s akin to learning how to steer when you want to drive a car! Wait, actually that’s akin to LEARNING HOW TO SEE WHEN YOU’RE WALKING AROUND. So pro.

Things I need help with/want to understand:

What in blazes does the “d” button do?

When am I supposed to buy the Ramadan Hat (Rabadon’s Deathcap)?

What order am I supposed to buy things in?

What order am I supposed to upgrade skills in?

How do I actually kill anything without them running away?

How do I not get lost in the forest?

How do lanterns work in the forest?

How do I tell other people “I’m going to be there for them” (this is just a curiosity question, because me actually trying to help someone is like sending a magikarp into WW2).

What are those weird things in the forest and why are they just chilling out there like its anybody’s business?

What is a trinket?

Why do people say “gank”?

What are the other people’s attacks even?

What are my attacks even? (No seriously, what do they do?)

What are runes? What do they do? No really, I don’t even know how to open that page with all the honeycomb things.

Do I even know how to play other characters?

What is my life even?

Why do I get turret warnings when an enemy appears but I have minions with me?

WHERE ARE THE MANA POTIONS? DOES THIS GAME EVEN HAVE THEM? Because that would be super helpful, at least in the beginning.

How do I use my ultimate to actually do things? Because right now I’m running headlong into death… and Ryze’s muscular blue chest.

Who is Doran, and why does he have so many rings?

I used to build up to get some sort of crying mask, but now I don’t do that anymore. I wonder why it’s bad…

What does ADC mean?

What is the lore behind league?

What is the eye symbol over the turret mean?

Thoughts:

Okay could someone please stop making the blue purple wanna-be half naked pirate wizard (Ryze) the middle lane when playing against bots. It’s so annoying. I think his name is Ryze, although I could be wrong.

I know that if I use charm, they slowly walk towards me, and I can do more magic damage. I know the giant blue ball “q” thing hits them on its path forwards and backwards. I HAVE NOT THE SLIGHTEST FUCKING CLUE WHAT “W” DOES, AND FRANKLY I FEEL IT DOES NOTHING. Well, it is pretty. I get some nice sparkles floating around me, but I’d like to know if it does something besides its obvious aesthetic effects.

I hate my life until there is a “6” next to my name in the game. Because then I don’t have my “r”.

Playing League can be rewarding, but it’s actually emotionally draining. I have an overwhelming sense of inferiority when I play, but instead of it motivating me to do better, I mentally give up. Right now I feel like I’m standing at the base of a really tall mountain COVERED in protein-eating pumping gym douchebags throwing half-eaten sandwiches at me. Supporting is nice, but I kind of want to be a winner for once : / It would make me feel really good.

I hate style inconsistencies in character art.

Ezreal has a huge head.

Q & A:

How did you get into the game in the first place?

My friends back in high school were always talking about it, and when I got to college I found out even more people were into it. I decided to go to a Riot League watching event thing hosted by my school, and I won some raffle prizes. It was pretty sweet, and then I tried playing.

Are you looking to try playing other positions and champions?

Yeah, I’d like to learn other positions. I’d also want to play other champions, although I have no interest in playing as male champions. I only want to play as pretty girls :) But nonhuman champions are okay, if they’re cute.

Do you want to play with friends or strangers?

Playing with friends sounds like fun, but it’d also be really intimidating because they know me, and they would judge my abilities. Playing with strangers could be really fun since I could make some new friends.

Why do you have a girl crush on Soraka?

Soraka is like a Twilight Sparkle you can kiss.